Am I Selfish If I Stop?

If you're anything like me, there's a question you're carrying and may have never said out loud. In fact, you may not even realize you have this question because it's too tender to perceive. It's this one, "am I selfish if I stop." If I stop being the one who handles it, if I stop being the one everybody calls first, if I stop covering the financial gap when family money gets tight, and am I a bad person for wanting that to end.

Can you do me a favor and take a minute and notice how that question actually shows up in your body, because many times it's not a thought first, but a feeling. Do you notice a tightness that shows up when your phone rings and you already know what it's about before you even answer. Or the exhaustion that has nothing to do with sleep, but it's about being the one who is always available for the task. If you can look at it without judgment, could it be that your body is telling you that something has been unevenly distributed for a long time.

Now let’s notice the emotion. In my experience, the emotions that often show up around this issue, are guilt, shame, anxiety, fear and even anger. The ‘why’ you show up this way is often anchored in guilt. The emotion that tells us that we did something wrong and we need to repair. But what exactly is your mind perceiving as wrong and is it something that you actually did, or is it something that was placed on you?

Let’s pause there for minute and let’s look at what ‘stopping’ actually means, because I think this is where that guilt gets its power. Stopping does not mean you stop caring, and it does not mean you stop showing up for the people you love. What it means is you stop being the only shock absorber, the default when something goes wrong or a decision needs to be made. You stop being the family ATM and the one who fills the gap. When you put it that way, stopping is not selfish. Stopping is just you finally getting to exist as a whole person, with your own needs and expectations, and not just the role you play for everyone else.

And by the way, feeling guilt without real cause is called unjustified guilt so you can go one and put it down.

Is this you?. Imagine the version of you who says, “not this time, I can't cover it this time,” and then you just, stop talking. Not over explaining, not apologizing three times, just saying it plainly and not rushing to fill the quiet after. What comes up for you when you imagine that? Real talk, for a lot of women, what comes up is not relief right away, but fear. Fear of how we will be perceived, fear of disappointing others, or fear of being misunderstood. Then there’s the internal narratives: I'm a bad daughter, sister, aunty, niece, person for saying no. You've had this role for so long, it feels like you're betraying your own.

Now that we've acknowledged that fear, let's flip the script a little bit, because fear is not proof that you are doing something wrong. Rather, it’s proof that the pattern is old and deep and if we’re being honest, it has kept a lot of people comfortable at your expense for a long time. Switching roles can be uncomfortable, there’s no denying that, but let’s be mindful that the family's financial and emotional infrastructure isn't yours to carry.

If you recognize yourself here, start with the Family ATM worksheet, it's a quick, honest look at where the gaps are and who's been filling them. And if you've been carrying this and don't know how to say the words in the moment, I built something for that too, it's called the scripts guide, "What Do I Say?" Download either one, they're free, and they meet you exactly where you are.

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